Highlights from my non-existant Wikipedia page

1.
Timeline of Garage Bands Jeff has performed with…
Metalurgy (1985 – 1989)
Sidewinder (1986 – 1988)
Unnamed band, working title “The Flaming Homosexuals” (1989 – 1990)

2.
Other Achievements
After much experimentation with various cookies and ice creams, Jeff discovered the combination now widely in use for the chipwich.

3.
Jeff’s penchant for swiss army knives served him well when once confronted by a wild boar in a Denny’s parking lot where, after a brief struggle, he was able to bring down the creature with a corkscrew.

The Wal-Mart Conundrum

I’m always so perplexed at the variety of sleeveless shirt options available to me at Wal-Mart. I’m never quite sure which one best expresses my personality. Do I go with the Nascar, the Budweiser, or simply the “Bad Attitude” print? Maybe I should eschew all the designs and go with a simple solid color. Now I know what women must go through when they have to decide what printing they get on the back of their half-shirt. I don’t envy their decision. Who could possibly choose among such labels as “Princess”, “Juicy”, or “Bitch”. Maybe there should just be 1 unisex shirt labeled “Attention Whore” or is that too subtle? How about one that says “Look at Me! My personality is succinctly summarized by my choice of clothing.” That’s not a bad idea. Cafepress, here I come!

The Costco Paradox

I don't want to sound like Any Rooney, but have you ever noticed that you can buy a 300 count package of Kraft Singles at Costco but you can't get pants with a waist bigger than 36 inches?

That's what I call a mixed message. Love me for who I am Costco. Love me for who I am.

The Duck

Often, when I’m bored at work, I’ll go outside and pretend to be talking to someone on my cell phone. I don’t know why I started doing this, maybe so any onlookers would think I was doing something productive. Regardless, I’ll stroll up and down the sidewalk manufacturing a conversation with my imaginary party. These conversations will typically go something like this…

“Hey , it’s me. Yeah. MmmHmm. Yeah, I remember you telling me that. Ok, so around 6 then…”

…and so on. However, occasionally the conversation will drift onto the subject of a duck. I don’t know why, this is nothing I’m consciously pushing towards, I’ll just start talking about a duck.

So, what does this mean? Is there some sort of duck related trauma in my past. Is this some verbal form of automatic writing dredging up repressed memories? Why is there a duck in my head? Sure that duck at the zoo bit me when I was 8 or 9, but I’d hardly call that traumatic. Why is there a duck in my head?